Eight Dirty Little Secrets

Dirty Lil SecretI was tagged a bit ago by JanieBelle for this meme.

I’ve taken a while to get to it, rolling it around in the back of my brain, deciding which eight things I’d like to share with the blogosphere. As of this moment, I really only have one thing decided on, so we’ll start with that.

Crap. I’ve forgotten what that was already.

Whatever, here’s eight random things off the top of my head.

Head below the fold to read them.

1. I hate talking on the phone. As in I absolutely despise spending 10 seconds on the phone, and would rather have my fingernails pulled out with a pair of pliers. I don’t get why nobody seems to understand this, and I really don’t get why people seem to want to do it all the time. I even have secret fantasies about inventive ways I’d like to destroy my cell phone. It’s of the devil.

2. I secretly believe I’m smarter than everybody else in the world, but I’m too modest and polite to say so.

3. I only have nine toenails. I dropped a wheel barrow once, pulling it out of the back of a pickup truck. It landed point first on my big toe. The toenail turned black and fell off, and it kept growing back in-grown, so I had it removed and the bed killed to prevent re-growth and stop the pain. Twenty-some years later, I’m now self-conscious about it when I’m barefoot, which is mostly always. (I live in North Carolina now – you’re supposed to be barefoot in North Carolina as often as possible – I think that’s a law or something.)

4. When I graduated jump school in 1990, my wife pinned my wings on me in the traditional way, by placing them on the front of my uniform, and then pounding the pin with her fist into my chest. She thought she hadn’t hit them hard enough to draw the traditional blood, so she did it again – just after I had pulled them out of my chest. That left four little bleeding pinholes in my chest instead of the requisite two. Later, I had my jump wings tattooed on, so they’d always be there, even when I was out of uniform. It was one of the proudest days of my pre-kids life, and still is.

5. I was once very nearly court marshaled for something I didn’t do. A last minute career-ending confession by the guilty NCO is all that saved me and my buddy from a long sentence in Fort Leavenworth, KS. We were within an hour of the court marshal.

6. That same buddy is now in prison for murdering his second wife. We had lost touch over the years, and one day several years ago, I was watching 60 minutes or 20/20 or something. It was just something that came on one night after something else I was actually watching, and I had the volume down because I was on the phone, and there was his picture on the TV. I turned up the volume and listened in shock. I feel guilty that we lost touch whenever I think about him. I can’t help but wonder if I might have been able to talk him down.

7. Were it not for the weather (I can’t do cold weather any more because of my neck injury), my neck which makes me unable to work (so I could not support myself and my family), and extended family (I do love them so), I would seriously consider moving permanently to London or Yorkshire, England. As proud as I am of what America is supposed to stand for, I’m ashamed and afraid of the current direction she’s taking.  I’m only slightly encouraged by the most recent power shift in Congress. Because of that, I would also seriously consider renouncing my American citizenship to swear allegiance to the crown. Plus there is a certain romance in the idea of returning to the countryside of my forefathers in the West Riding. Someday I’d at least like to visit Wadsworth (in Halifax parish) and Denholme (in Bradford parish), from where my family (and my surname) originates.

8. I deliberately avoid talking about my wife and marriage/relationships/women in general for the most part on this blog for several reasons. A – My wife thinks blogging is dumb, but sneaks a peek at my blogs from time to time to check up on me. B – My wife would be mortified, and I love her too much to mortify her on purpose. C – My wife knows where I keep the framing hammer, and is not afraid to use it.

(In an odd sort of way, JanieBelle and Kate provide an outlet for my expression that (just barely) keeps me out of trouble with my wife.)

Please feel free to feel tagged if you are one of the two people on earth who have not yet been tagged with this meme.

9 Responses to “Eight Dirty Little Secrets”

  1. carlsonjok Says:

    In prison for killing his second wife? Dang, does North Carolina really let you kill the first wife for free?

  2. Lou FCD Says:


    Actually, I guess what I meant was that I never met his second wife, or even knew he was remarried until I saw that story. It all went down after he and I lost touch. They apparently had a kid, too, an infant who was unharmed in the incident to the best of my knowledge.

    Also, although I was a civilian living in Pennsylvania at the time, he was stationed at Fort Campbell Kentucky, and living off post in Tennessee as I understand it. (Fort Campbell is right on the state line.)

  3. Lou FCD Says:

    As far as that goes, though…

    If you’re in the market for a place with such lenient laws, don’t give up hope. Georgia’s laws are pretty medieval, you might try there. Just tell her you’re going to Stone Mountain or something.


  4. Martyn Says:

    Totally with you on #2 but I guess one of us is wrong. We’ll have to fight it out sometime. Would love it if you moved to Britain. Do you partake of a sherry or something similar? I would like to buy you one. Explain”jump school” to me. Not sure why I love Martyne so much but I guess I have a strong feminine side and it just feels good to express myself through her at times.

  5. Lou FCD Says:

    When you graduate jump school, you get Silver Wings.

  6. Lou FCD Says:

    Oh, and yes Martyn, I do partake, and on my next visit I shall be happy to accept and reciprocate the offer of a drink.

  7. Infophile Says:

    I’ve had considerations about fleeing the country myself, to be honest. Of course, in my case I’m an immigrant to it, so it isn’t nearly as big a deal. However, in the end I’ve decided to stay here and get citizenship so I can fix it from the inside. And if they ever try to draft me for a war on Iran (or whoever Bush hates this week), I’ll be quick to declare asylum up in Canada.

  8. Lou FCD Says:

    Canada? Yuck, too cold for sure! (No offense to any Canucks out there, it’s lovely in the summer, I just don’t do cold.)

    Mexico sounds too hot, so I suppose like Goldilocks, I’d have to find a country that is juuuuuussst right.

  9. Surgery and the Third Floor « Crowded Head, Cozy Bed Says:

    […] and friends to call and from whom to answer calls and questions.  I may have mentioned in passing once or twice on this blog how much I love the telephone, so as necessary as that was, it was a fairly […]

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