Unforgiven

It had been a long time since I had lashed out in violent rage.  Years, as far as I can remember.  I had left violence and physical conflict escalation behind me with my youth.

Today, just a little while ago, I snapped.

I could bottle up no more, I was out of control with no desire to return to sanity.  IT had given me all I could take.  Years of to and fro, back and forth, frustration, rejection, all had slowly led to ITs own dehumanization.  IT no longer bore any connection to humanity for me.  IT was now just IT, nothing more than an inanimate pronoun, less than an idea.   IT had certainly not resembled that which IT once did, that which I had taken into my life so intimately, for quite some time.  I was overtaken by compulsion -  IT had to die.

I could taste the blood in my mouth from biting my tongue all these years.  I suddenly had an unquenchable taste for the blood – bloodlust they call that.  As my closed fist swung through the air, as my hand opened and released IT to crash on the floor, I felt no remorse for IT.   There was not an iota of compassion in me for IT, not an ounce of regret for the damage I was doing to IT.  I actually enjoyed watching the life-light leaving IT.

I watched myself in dispassion as without my command my foot kicked IT hard.  I was unhappy with the lack of painful scream emanating from IT, so I kicked IT again and again.

Theme Change

I like this one better for usability, though it’s not as pretty in some ways.

It’s called Twenty Eight Thirteen, the old one was Andreas04.

I’ve already moved on to Andreas09 (like a day later).

And now I’ve moved on to Garland.  I think I’ll stick with this one.

I Dun Learnt Her Good

Sex, Sex, and more Sex

by my little girl.

Please stop by and offer your insights.

Sometimes

Sometimes a nap is the one thing that makes life more bearable.

The Man In The Red Dress

Kay and I are just back from the hospital. James won’t go there. I think it’s just too much for him, and I’m OK with that.

Aunt Helen was awake for a while, and was sort of in and out of lucidity. She’s really struggling to speak, but occasionally manages to find the words and force them out. She asked Kay if there were any boys she liked, to which Kay replied, “No. Boys all have cooties.” I’m never really sure how serious she is when she says that, but it’s funny coming from her, and Aunt Helen thought so. She even laughed a little bit.

Going to visit gets harder each time for me. Each visit brings us one day closer to a trip to the ladies’ department at J.C. Penney’s. I’ve mentioned my promise to Aunt Helen before, that I would wear a red party dress and matching pumps to her funeral.

Silver Wings

The blood trickled proudly. I could feel its pride.

I was stupid in my youth. “Young, dumb, and full of cum” is how we phrased it then, and that’s pretty accurate really.

The silver wings flashed in the bright Alabama sun, as I pulled them from my chest, my wife beaming and also a little concerned she hadn’t done it right.

Celebrations were muted in light of the somber news of that morning that began in Georgia. It was silly that I should be so proud of those wings. It wasn’t nearly as difficult to earn them as it was to earn the blue cord. Yet there was something different about those wings. There was something special about them. They were something even more special in a world of special awards.

I was thinking of Shadow. Shadow would be proud. It was sad he couldn’t make it. I wanted him to be there.

Three Little Words

Cancer.

Malignant.

Terminal.

Aunt Helen Improves, Aunt Mary Departs

Lots of folks have publicly and privately expressed their concern, and I’d like to thank you all for your kind words.

Aunt Mary left to return for Pennsylvania this morning, after having spent a long weekend here, mostly visiting Aunt Helen in the hospital. That added a little more busy-ness to the family neighborhood, but it was good to see her and some of my Pennsylvania cousins again.

One of my cousins from that branch who couldn’t make it this weekend may be able to slip down next weekend, and that’s family-cool too.

Aunt Helen herself is improving, near as I can tell. That’s good news. Yesterday she sat up on the edge of her bed for a while, which is a great sign given the way things are going. She got to eat some real food, and had a milkshake, I understand.

I visited this morning, but she was sleeping pretty heavily. Kind of a bummer, but if that’s what she needs, I’m all good with that. I didn’t wake her.

We don’t have a solid long-term prognosis yet, but I don’t think that’s going to be rosy in any way, so I’m in no big rush to hear it.

I’ve just gotten some rather bad (though not unexpected) news by phone, so I’m going to leave it there for now and just say thanks for your concern and kind words, if you’ll please excuse the abrupt ending.

I just wanted to say thank you publicly.

Squabble – A Family Game

Like pirates dueling for a treasure chest on the deck of the Flying Dutchman, families can sometimes descend into madness, chaos, and (emotionally if not physically) deadly struggles for ascendancy.

You see it all the time in teenagers and pre-teen siblings. At least I do, in my two offspring. Anne Bonny and Blackbeard the Pirate are in a daily epic struggle to lord over each other, and the Jolly Roger would not be inappropriate decor in the hall that separates their bedrooms. Now that I think of it, I believe I need to make a trip to the local pirate supply store. In fact, I may rename the kitchen “The Pirate Bay”, and declare it neutral territory, a pirate demilitarized zone.

Eight Dirty Little Secrets

I was tagged a bit ago by JanieBelle for this meme.

I’ve taken a while to get to it, rolling it around in the back of my brain, deciding which eight things I’d like to share with the blogosphere. As of this moment, I really only have one thing decided on, so we’ll start with that.

Crap. I’ve forgotten what that was already.

Whatever, here’s eight random things off the top of my head.

Head below the fold to read them.

Sixteen

Wow. It’s hard to believe, but my darling daughter, scourge of stupid bigotry and nightmare of fundy intolerance, voracious reader of grown up literature and writer of beautiful poetry, kind, insightful, intelligent, exuberant, and unapologetic mistress of all things mysterious, turns sixteen years old today.

She’s had sixteen years to hone the edge on her tongue, and she has taken full advantage.

She wasted no time in getting started, either. She was born by C-section and displayed her contrary personality from square one. Despite the repeated annoying attempts to block my view with that stupid paper screen, I watched as the doctor reached in and grabbed hold of my lovely little girl. First came a little tiny foot, which suddenly came to a halt a few inches outside my wife’s belly. The other leg had caught inside. Back in went the first foot, and out came two feet. But Kayla was not letting go that easily.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Aunt Helen may be about to begin that long journey to California I once blogged about.

She’s been very ill, so I hadn’t spoken to her for a week or two. I didn’t want to call and bother her while she was so sick. I did call on Wednesday and talked to her a little bit, and she still sounded very very ill. My cousins spent the day with her on Wednesday and after they left, my oldest cousin called to let me know how she’s doing. He’s not optimistic. She’d been to the doctor, and it looks like she’s had a mini stroke. My cousin thinks we’re probably dealing with end of life issues.

Yesterday she called me, and though she actually sounded better than she had, it turns out she had fallen, and couldn’t manage to get herself up off the floor. I hustled over with the kids and spent about an hour getting her slowly onto her love-seat, one stage at a time.

Listen Up! Features Kayla

This appeared in the most recent Listen Up! section of our local paper:

Kayla

Rising junior

Vanessa

July 3, 2007 – 10:11PM

1. The weirdest dream you’ve ever had: I had a dream when I was about 9 that my mom turned into a crab and tried to eat me and my brother.
2. Your theme song is: “Chasing cars,” by Snow Patrol.
3. You’d want this person to play you in a movie: Drew Barrymore.
4. If you could change the world, you’d start with: World hunger.
5. You regret: Absolutely nothing. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t made the choices I’ve made.
6. You’re the most proud of: My Geometry H exam grade.
7. You do this for fun: Go to Logan’s with Jessica.
8. If you could, you’d be this superhero/have this special power: I’d want to fly so I could go anywhere in the world for free!
9. Your life so far has been: An interesting journey.
10. You consider this person your mentor: My mom. 110 percent. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.
— Compiled by Vanessa.

She cracks me up.